Rain or Shine

Recently, I have read several blogs and talked to many people about this struggle that I am having. I have been reading the blog of a wonderfully human and faithfully christian woman. She has and is going through tragedy and yet she still keeps her focus intensly toward God. In one of her posts early in her struggle she talked about praying that God do what would make her soil rich. She knew this could"bring the rain" but still she prayed. I urge you to all visit her blog. It is very touching and relatable. She prayed for the rain and months later found out she was pregnant. She was very happy. A few months into the pregnancy she discovered through and ultrasound that her baby girl would not survive. The blog shows her struggle to accept this and the greif that she deals with throught the short life of her daughter. Here is the link... http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com
There is a place just under the header that you can click to start at the beginning of the story.

So...with all that said. I have been struggling for a long time with this. For a while I have wanted to deepen my relationship and love for the Lord. I know that if I ask the Lord for brokeness that he will provide it. I have felt this before and it is always very hard, but after the pain comes joy in the Lord. So many times you see people become close with God after something bad has happened in their lives. This is my problem.

I have seen on many occasions, what God must do to make his children realize that they need him. There are stories in the bible where God sees the sins and the lukewarm attitude. He warns them over and over. In many cases they ignore him and he must do something to get their attention. I am not saying that every tragedy is punishment. I know that it is not.

I want to pray for rain. I want to be closer to God. But I fear what that could mean. I sob at just the thought of losing one of my chilren or my husband. I dont think I could survive it. And yet, I have seen people survive it. I cannot fathom the pain they must go through. I never know what to say to these people because I know that anything I say would be so trivial compared to what they feel.
I knwo that praying for rain doesnt mean that God will do something like that. I am just scared. I struggle with trusting God to do what he knows is right. I struggle with letting go ofcontrol and giving it to God.
Please pray for me. More than anything I want to be a christian example for my children and my family. But until I can fully put my faith in God, I will never be that example.
Please read the blog I posted above. Even if you have never been through something like her, you will relate to something from her story.

"...in all these things we are more conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39